Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
