I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
