oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
