Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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