I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
