May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
