It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
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You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
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Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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