The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
The Olympian is in my bed
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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