You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
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No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
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Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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