he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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