just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
