Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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