Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I need a burrito and a hug.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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