i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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