and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
please come you make the beer taste better
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
