her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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