I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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