I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
