Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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