my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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