Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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