Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
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I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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