You're my little dorito
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?