fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.