I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
