Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Blood and glitter go together right?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
