I could make wine with my vomit
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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