she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
