Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
