This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
