She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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