apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
We left an ass print on the piano.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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