i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
