genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
