so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Randomize
