...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Let's paint friendship bongs
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I didn't notice because vodka
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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