Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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