I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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