Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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