I'm pants shitting drunk right now
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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