i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Randomize
