You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I touched a dick in church today
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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