Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
The adults are the big ones right?