On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.