I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
