You're a womanizer and a bitch.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
