guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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