Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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