Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
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