is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
