One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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