There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.