if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
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It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
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Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.