Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
