You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
