I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
