you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
