Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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