So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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